Phineas and Ferb does not belong to me.
Perry, what on earth are you wearing?” Perry comes into the bedroom that Ferb still shares with Phineas, and Ferb stares at the steak-specs.
The secret agent chuckles. “Steak-specs. Heinz invented them.”
Ferb looks back at his work, a smile playing on the sides of his mouth. “Why are you wearing them? Those are hilarious.”
“I have a black eye. I pretty much put them on for comic value.” Perry takes them off, snickering. “They’re starting to smell bad, though. I’ll be right back.” He runs down to the kitchen, where he tosses the specs into the trash. Linda stares after him as he vanishes back up into the bedroom.
She blinks a couple times. “Okay, I’m definitely seeing things. I think I’m going to bed.”
Perry sits down on Phineas’ raft bed. “Isn’t he too tall for this bed yet?”
“Who punched you?” Ferb glances at his platypus and winces. “Ooh, that looks painful.”
Said platypus raises one eyebrow. “This is nothing. Have you ever been through a sandpaper factory?”
Ferb winces again out of sympathy. “Yikes.” Taking a tiny little screwdriver, he tightens a small plate cover coated in plastic over some of the electrical components in the translator that he’s working on. “You didn’t answer my question.”
Perry looks at the translator on Ferb’s desk. “Oh that’s where that went. What are you doing?”
“Who punched you? I thought that you could dodge a punch while sleeping.” He reaches up and pulls a pencil out of his green hair. “Oh, that’s where that went…”
The platypus lies back on Phineas’ bed. “I don’t think that I’ve ever been on this bed all by myself.”
Ferb places a dust cover over the device on his desk to prevent debris from collecting on the circuits. “Stop avoiding my question.” He turns to Perry expectantly.
“I said something stupid, so I let Phineas punch me.” Perry resigns the information with a small sigh.
The nineteen year-old walks over and sits next to his pet gently. “What did you say?”
Perry’s eyes flash, going from a brown to more of a dark red. “It was something really stupid, okay?”
“Why didn’t you just apologize?” Ferb rolls the pencil around in his fingers awkwardly, “You know, instead of letting him hit you?”
“It’s a language that I understand.” Perry shrugs, looking downward. “I don’t speak the language of emotions very well.”
Ferb goes over to his bed, laying down with his head resting on a pillow. “I’ve noticed that. You know, except for during thunderstorms.” He grins. “When you and Phineas cling to each other in terror at each thunder crash.”
Perry sits up in astonishment. Both he and Phineas had thought Ferb was sleeping during the storms.“Please tell me that you don’t have pictures of that.”
“Of course not!” The young man looks over at Perry. Ferb has a big heart, always has, and he doesn’t understand what Perry means by a language. “What did you mean about the language thing?”
“It’s an O.W.C.A. thing, Ferb.” Perry leans back again. “Teasing, blackmail, although mostly in jest, violence… we use those things to compete with each other. I rose to the top of O.W.C.A. by training most of the other agents in fighting techniques.”
Ferb looks puzzled. “You blackmail each other?”
A smile starts to play on Perry’s bill. “Well, usually just for harmless things. For instance, nobody is ever mean to Carl, because he puts together the video clips for Christmas parties. Monobrow knows everything about everyone, and Monty… Monty we just all try to ignore.” Perry growls slightly, and the smile fades. “You would be surprised at how annoying he is about his acrobatic skills. I mean, he wants to fight evil, but there’s just something about him that none of us like.”
“Monty?” Ferb thinks back, “The name seems familiar…”
“Yeah, that’s because he is Vanessa’s ex. Do you have any idea how hard it was for Carl and I to keep that relationship secret from their fathers?” Perry mimes wiping sweat from his forehead.
Ferb sits up straight. “How do you know Vanessa? Who’s Monty’s father, and why did it fall to you and Carl to keep them a secret?”
The smile comes back, but this time Perry seems sadder, “Vanessa Doofenshmirtz, think about it. Monty Monogram, and that pretty much answers all of your questions.”
“Oh.” Ferb nods. “Why didn’t Vanessa ever invite me home to meet her family?”
Perry frowns. “First of all, Heinz and Charlene, Vanessa’s parents, are divorced. When she turned eighteen, she surprised us all by going to live full time with Heinz. And also, how was she supposed to know when I was there?” He pulls out his fedora and starts rummaging around in it. Ferb reminds himself to ask later where his platypus stores that thing.“Ferb, if you had come in with Vanessa just as her father traps your pet platypus, your reaction would have been what, exactly?” Perry seems to find what he is looking for. He removes a note from the fedora, and throws it over to Ferb. “By the way, I found this in your pocket when we searched you after that mind wipe.”
Ferb opens the note gently, reading the words that he had written when he was twelve years-old. “Perry is a secret agent. Do not tell him you know. If you ever encounter O.W.C.A. again, put on a hair helmet.” The young man laughs. “I remember writing this. Phineas wrote one too, although his included a reminder not to be angry at you.”
Perry chuckles, which means that he smiles. “I have that one too. It occurred to me a couple days ago that I should have given those to you instead of using Candace’s pen.”
“Phineas would have still been angry. You had no reason not to tell us but fear.” Ferb pins the note to a small cork board beside his bed. Perry raises an eyebrow at him.
“Are you calling me a schnitzel?” Perry sits up, placing the fedora on his head and his little arms crossed against his chest.
Ferb knows what the Druelselsteinian insult means, having heard Vanessa use it before. “No. It was fear of being disowned by the ones that you love most. That’s not being a coward.” The agent stands up and starts to walk over to Ferb’s desk. “No you don’t, Perry. That’s a surprise.” Reaching out a hand to Perry, Ferb lightly touches the swollen eye. “And you might want to get that looked at by one of O.W.C.A.’s vets.”
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